They Try to Mess It Up!
by Riku's Dark Vampire Girl
Summary: Cloud won't give the SHM Jenova's head, so they decide to torture him until he does. May have some spoilers. The next few chapters might go into the movie.
1. Chapter 1

I still don't own FF7 of Kingdom Hearts! ;;

It was a nice sunny day, blah blah blah blah and meteor was gone and people were eating pie and yeah. Anyways, Cloud was lying in a hamock, sleeping like the log that he is. The sun beat down on his face, but that didn't bother him cause he was weird. Out of nowhere some shade fell to his nearly crispied face. He opened his eyes to a silver haired and man with cat eyes.

"Sephiroth!" he screamed and fell out of his hamock onto a crab that snapped his butt at least 12 times.

"No, you idiot. It's Kadaj" Kadaj sighed in annoyment. Cloud got back up and kicked the crab, making it go flying. Somewhere else A kid and his mom are looking at the night sky. "Look mom, a shooting star!" the kid points excitedly It lands on his face. Back to the fun "What do you want?" Cloud asked brushing the sand off his pants.

"What I always want, give me the freakin box with the head in it!" Kadaj exclaimed putting his hand out. "No. Finders keepers!" Cloud says in a kid like voice. "Oh, quit being so childish!" Kadaj rolls his eyes. "Fine! Loser..." Cloud mumbles. "That's it! I'm gonna torture you for the rest of your life if you don't give it!" Kadaj yells as Cloud walks away. "Yeah right!" Cloud yells back.

Kadaj pulls out a walkie talkie and presses a weird looking button. "I couldn't get the head from brother, meet me back at the hideout" he says into it. "Can I bring some pockies?" a voice asks. "Yes, Loz you can bring some pockies, but you better get me a box!" Kadaj answers. And so, he gets on his motorcycle and drives away while running over a few pedestrians.

Else where...

"Welcome home, Cloud!" Tifa says as she swings her arms around Cloud's shoulders, squeezing the life out of him. "Tifa, can't...breathe!" he says gasping for air. "Sorry" she says letting go of him. "How are the kids?" he asks sitting down at the kitchen table. Tifa whistles and a bunch of kids come running down the stairs and pile on Cloud. "Welcome home Mr. Cloud!" they say in unison. "MR. CLOUD!" Cloud yells, breaking free of the kids. "You think I'm old!" he yells to them. "No..." they say looking down at the ground. "Good! Now get upstairs before I kill ya" he says taking out his buster sword. They all scurry up the stairs, but one kid walks down the stairs.

He walks over to the cupboard and takes out an armfull of healing medicine. "Denzel, are you okay? You're supposed to be in bed" Tifa says walking over to him. "Anything to stop the pain" he moans. He walks back up the stairs. "I'm glad the kids got to see you again, Cloud" Tifa said smiling. "And now I got another kid to see, I gotta be on the set for Kingdom Hearts in 30 minutes" Cloud sighs as he gets up and picks up his buster sword. "When will you be back?" Tifa asks as he walks out the door. "Whenever I feel like it" he answers.

Somewhere else...

Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo are sitting at a table in a dark like room eating pockies. "So, what do we do?" Loz asked as he finished eating a pocky. "We torture our brother till he gives up the head" Kadaj answers. "Where do we strike first?" Yazoo asks. "He's going to the set of Kingdom Hearts, right?" Kadaj says mischeviously. They nod. "That's where" he says smirking. "Who''ll go first?" Yazoo asks. They all stare at each other for a minute, then put there hands in the middle of they table. "Hah! Paper beats rock!" Yazoo yells happily. "Fine, the cheater will go" Loz pouts. "You're just jealous" Yazoo smiles. "Me and Loz will find other plaes he'll go to" Kadaj says as he stands up. The three of them do some salute and pick up their weapons.

"Hey! What're you doing in my basement!" a women's voice yells. They look to the stairs and see a woman walking down the stairs. "Scatter!" Loz yells. The three of them run out the back door.

More Later!

You know you want to review!


	2. Kingdom Whoops!

Welcome chapter 2! Let's get it on! I guess...

Chapter 2: Kingdom Whoops!

"Places, people! This job pays in time and I'm not made of money!" the director yells through a megaphone. "We're standing right here!" the casts yells. Indeed they were standing in front of the director. "We'll get to your places, anyways!" he yells. They all scatter, not seeing Yazoo sneak in through the set's back door. He walks around curiously withis Velvet Nightmare in hand. "Cloud, get to the Colisseum set, now!" a person yells. Cloud is seem walking in his outfit that says 'I'm-such-a-badass-fighter-that-I-get-all-the-fangirls'. "I wish Kadaj would get me an outfit like that" Yazoo thinks to himself. He creeps behind Cloud as he walks onto the set and hides where he can't be seen. Suddenly, some weird guy walks out of the lobby gates and spots Yazoo hiding behind one of the battle square poles.

He walks over and tries to act cool. "Hey, hottie. How you doin" he says in an acting cool voice as he slap Yazoo's butt. Yazoo gets alarmed and turns around, disgusted and angry at the perverted man. He shoots him and gets back to his hiding.

"Scene one! The stare between allies/enemies! Take one!" some guy with a clipboard says. "Annnnnd, action!" the director yells. Cloud walks by Phil and stares at Sora, Donald and Goofy. Yazoo throws some oil out and Cloud slips and falls. "CUT!" the director yells.

"Take two!" "Action!" Cloud walks by again and this time, Yazoo let loose a bunch of female chocobos. They think Cloud is a handsome male and they charge after him. "Cut! Get me some iced tea or coffee!" the director says.

"Take one! Sonic ability" Cloud is now sitting on the stairs and spots Sora walking out of the lobby gates. Yazoo manages to get grab hold of Clouds pants without him looking. As he stands up, his pants go down and everbody start cracking up. His boxers have chocobos and moogle on them. He blushes like crazy and begins to sulk. "This is just not my day!" he yells to the sky. "Okay Cloud, we'll try this again tomorrow" the director says patting him on the back.

"I need a break, I'm going to the bar" Cloud says in his dressing room as he chnages his clothes. Yazoo overhears, standing right next to the door, where he's exposed to everybody. "L, K, this is Y. He's going to the bar" Yazoo says on his walkie talkie. "Good, I'll be there" Loz answers. "Hey guys! Clean up in isle 2! We just found Leon dead!" some guy yells. "I'm outta here!" Yazoo yells as he runs out the studio door.


	3. All I Want is a Drink!

Here's Chapter 3!

Chapter 3: All I Want is a Drink!

Cloud rode on his motorcycle in a no driving zone to the bar in Costa de Sol. He parked on the side of the building and put, like 12 locks on it so nobody would steal it or lift it. He walkes into the bar and saw almost nobody there, except Vincent who was drinking a red drink (Or was it...?). "Did you scare everybody away or something?" Cloud asked as he walked up to the pale faced man. "It was like this when I got here" Vincent replied. "I'll believe you, this time..." Cloud smiled. "How you get that drink? I don't see a bartender here" Clous asked looking around. "I uhh..." Vincent pondered. "I knew it! You are a vampire!" Cloud accused. "I won't kill you if you don't tell" Vincent whispered. "Okay!" Cloud said automatically getting back to normal.

"Can I take your order?" a voice asked. They both looked to the counter and see a man rise up from the ground. "I'd like a some cool aid and make it hard" Cloud answered. "Coming up" the bartender said going to the kitchen. "Hey, you look familar. Have we met?" Cloud yelled to the back. "I don't believe so" the tender answered walking back with the drink. It was just Loz with a fake mustache for crying out loud! He handed the drink to Cloud and went back to the back. "Cloud, you do realize that was Loz, right?" Vincent asked. Cloud was to busy drinking his drink, when suddenly he spit it out.

"What the & is in this?" Cloud yelled. Vincent sighed, there was no way to talk to an idiot. "Is there a problem?" Loz asked coming back into the room. "Yeah, this taste like rotten bananas and tomatoes! I want cool aid!" Cloud yelled. "Sorry sir, I'll get your cool aid" Loz smiled taking back the cup of eerie purple liquid. "Something's fishy around here, Vinnie" Cloud said looking around suspicously. "You don't think? And stop calling me Vinnie!" Vincent growled.

"Here's your drink" Loz said handing Cloud a cup of eerie white and yellow liquid. Loz runs back to the back as Cloud tries the drink and spits it back out. "What the #$ is this?" Cloud yells again. Loz comes back and takes the cup back to the back. "That tasted like copper, paper, and cheese" Cloud twitched. "Oh, you've eatened those things before?" Vincent questioned. "Ummmm..." Cloud tried to think of an excuse. "This one is better" Loz walked back in with a cup of blue liquid. Cloud tasted it and didn't spit it back out this time.

"This is great! What's in this?" Cloud asked happily. "Eggs, bacon, leather, water, 30 year old milk, cheese, bone marrow, fish, blood, whipped cream, salt, pepper, baloney, popcorn, a few hypers, duck, mud, metal, leaves, and to top it all off I put some blue food coloring in it" Loz answered smiling. Cloud's face was like O.o literally. He got up and walked over to the window. He stuck his head out and began to...you know. "You're really low, Loz" Vincent snapped.

Loz smirked and Vincent walked out the door. "What's wrong with you? You trying to give me food poisoning!" Cloud yelled. "It's experiment with food and other items day here" Loz answered as he put a sign on the counter that said 'Enjoy Experiment with food and other items Day!' "That's it! I need a break! I'm going to the Temple of the Ancients to mourn!" he stormed out of the bar. "Y, K, this is L. He's going to the Temple" Loz whispered into the walkie talkie while taking off his fake mustache. "Well done, brother. We'll meet him there. And bring me some strawberry soda" Kadaj answered.

Loz nodded, when suddenly, some men wearing uniforms came walking in. "Are you the bartender of this facility?" one of the men asked. "Uhh...-" "Good, we're the health department agents and we just recieved a huge amount of complaints saying the food was horrible and unhealthy" another man cut Loz off. "We'll be arresting you now" another man said pulling out some handcuffs. Loz jumped from behind the counter and ran off out the door.


	4. Don't Know What to Call It!

Chapter 4! Yeah, you probably already knew that

Chapter 4: I don't know what to call it!

Cloud rode on his motorcycle through the forest, scaring and running over small animals. "What's wrong with this day? First, my studio part, next, my drink. What the hell?" Cloud ponders in his head. He stops at a giant hole in the ground and looks down at where the the Temple used to be. He flashes back to when he was going crazy when Sephiroth was forcing him to give him the black materia. "I'll give you some cake if you give me the black materia" Sephiroth says smiling. "I want cake!" Cloud yells. They both exchanges the items and are happy. "Man, was I some idiot" Cloud smiled.

"And you still are" a sexy voice answered. "No, I'm smarter than before! I can eat a grapefruit without squirting the juice in my eye" Cloud laughs. "Whatever, but you're still an idiot" a man walked out of the trees to Cloud. Cloud turned around and saw Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo standing before him. "Did you enjoy your first day of torture?" Yazoo asked. "Actually, no" Cloud frowned. "That's what you get for not handing over the head!" Loz yelled. "So brother if I may call you that even though you don't have silver hair, are you going to hand it over?" Kadaj smirked. "Nope!" Cloud crossed his arms and smiled like a kid who just got a millon dollars. "Then you leave us no choice" Kadaj said, pulling out his sword. "We'll take it by, brute force" Yazoo said doing that hand thing when Ansem says "Darkness is the heart's true escence"

Cloud drives off through the forest and chops the trees with his sword to get the trees out of the way. He looks back and see the other three on their motorcycles that are much cooler than his with a computer system installed. "I should have gotten a Dell!" Cloud thought. Yazoo shot at his tire and missed a few times, but got his butt which threw him of balance and use of his sitting ability. "And I was gonna save a bunch of money by switching to Geico today!" Cloud yelled to them as they stopped. "You can do that when you hand over the head!" Kadaj got off his motorcycle and walked over to Cloud. "I can't!" Cloud whispered. "Why not!" Yazoo asked. "I, I, I," Cloud start. "You what?" Loz asked.

Somewhere else...

"He's always expecting me to get him out of trouble when he does something stupid!" Tifa mumbled to herself. She scanned her computer and typed in a few words. She waited a while until something popped up. "The only one in the whole world!" the description for the item said. "$2,000! For that ugly thing?" she exclaimed waking up the kids from their nap and some of the neighbors. Back to the forest. "You sold it on eBay?" the SHM screamed at the same time. "That's why I took it. I was gonna sell it on eBay and make $2,000. Pretty clever, huh?" Cloud smiled sheeplishly. They just stared at him for what seemed to be hours. Kids were growing up faster than their staring. "WHY!" Kadaj fell to his knees, shaking his fists in the air. "I'm outta here" Cloud said getting on his , motorcycle and driving away.

Kadaj stared at him as he drove off, not even close to sitting on the seat, and began to cry. Yazoo walked over to him and comforted him. "It's okay, little brother. Wanna go get some ice cream?" Yazoo asked. Kadaj shook his head like a little kid and wiped the tears off his face. Some fangirls nearby can be heard making that sound when something cute happens to a bishie, but Cloud runs over them. The three of them drive off to Kalm. Back at Cloud's house, Tifa is holding a present and is waiting for Cloud to get back. "Honey, I'm home!" Cloud says in that voice from that guy on I love Lucy.

"Oh, Cloud. I got you a present" Tifa says fake smiling. "What'd ya get? What'd ya get? What'd ya get! (Sprinklens! Just kidding)" Cloud exclaimed anxiously. She hands him the present and he unwraps it like a wild dog. "Not this again!" he moans as he drops the box to the floor. "You shouldn't have done that, Cloud! What if somebody evil got their hands onto that head!" Tifa asked putting her hands on her hips. "They'd probably make another Sephiroth or something" Cloud answered walking up the stairs. Unnoticingly, Yazoo stuck a mini microphone onto Cloud. "So, all we need to do is get the head and make another Sephiroth" Kadaj smirks. "But, how do we take it?" Loz asks. "This is what we'll do, there are children at that orphanage, right?" Kadaj asks. "Duh" Yazoo and Loz say in unison. "They will help us" Kadaj says and then he starts laughing for no reason. "Either he's crazy or that's a really comfortable suit" Yazoo whispers to Loz.

The end! Or is it...?


	5. Driving, Pouting, and Get Hit by Stuff

Might as well continue with this! Warning like crazy: There maybe some spoilers, those with weak and sick minds may want to leave right now.

Cloud looks at the box with the head in it and groans. "Cloud! You've been doing that for two days now!" Tifa yells at him. "I have nothing better to do" he throws the box out the window. -Elsewhere- Rude is walking down the sidewalk of Midgar. "I gave my love a cherry that had no stones" he sings to himself horribly. He walks into the street, not seeing the cars coming. They honk at him and he freaks out. He dodges them by doing some weird movements and then jumps out of the street. "I didn't even get hurt" he smiles. He starts to walk around again when a box hits him in the back of the head. "I'm going home" Cloud says as he gets up from the kitchen table. "I thought this was your home?" Tifa stands up.

"With all those brats? I can't even get into my bed!" he walks out of the house. He rides through the town on his motorcycle, ignoring the people he runs over and kills. "Get ya newspapa!" a paper boy throws the Daily Boring at Cloud. It hits him in the side of the face and knocks him off his bike. The motorcycle goes on a rampage and starts to run over people, drive up a building and once it got into the air, it exploded. "There goes my Carbuncle!" Cloud yells. He picks up the newspaper and throws it at the kid who goes flying. -Elsewhere in Midgar- "Here's the head" Rude hands the wheelchair dude the box. "Thank you Rude" he says as he puts it under his cloak or robe. Rude walks out of the house and is hit by the news kid. Cloud walks all the way to the church and into the area where there are flowers. He takes out a remote and pushes the button. The ground he stands on goes underground and leads to a scret motorcycle chamber.

"Which one will I choose?" Cloud walks by several motorcycles, even one that looks like Pee Wee's. "I'll go with this one!" Cloud cheers for no reason and pulls out a shiney motorcycle. 'Fenrir' can be read on the side. He moves it out up a slope and out of the secret exit that is a pile a metal. "I think I'll go to the place where Zack died" Cloud smiles and drives off with his new motorcycle that's equipped with a cushiony pillow seat. A dark figure kneels on a tall pile of metal and looks at where Cloud drove off. "I know where he's going" the figure says into his cellphone. "We'll meet him where ever he goes" a voice says. The figure puts it away and tries to jump, but causes the pile to collapse with his weight and ends up getting a huge piece of metal shoved up his

"Ass, I was saying" Cloud stands at the peak of Midgar. "Cloud, I'm not dead. I'm right here" Zack climbs up to the cliff. Cloud pushes him off. "This is my movie!" Cloud yells down to him. He stares down at the sword that once belonged to Zack. "It still does! That chocobo boy stole it from me!" Zack shakes his fists. Cloud throws a rock at him and gets back to looking at the sword. The sword that his beloved friend had fought with. "When I get up there I'll show him how I fight" Zack begins to climb again. "That's it!" Cloud gets on his motorcycle and jumps off the edge to Zack. Just then, the SHM drive along on their motorcycles. Kadaj drives next to the buster sword and puts his boot on it, tilting it over a little bit. As Cloud chases Zack, Zack falls into a trap door that was caused by the sword. "Hey!" Cloud runs back to the trap door and drives around it.

"Look, it's big brother!" Loz points happily. "Yes, Loz. We see him" Kadaj says annoyed. Loz looks down and begins to cry. "You're so mean!" he cries. "Just go down there and get him!" Kadaj points. Yazoo and Loz drive off the clifff and begin to follow Cloud. "You're gonna have to come out of there sometime!" Cloud circles the trap. -In the hole- Zack is falling pretty deep until he busts out the bottom of the trap. "Where the heck am I? Am I in Wutai?" Zack raises an eyebrow. "What're you doing?" Yazoo drives up to Cloud. "Waiting for Zack to get his big fat a-heeeeeeey, have we met?" Cloud looks at Loz and Yazoo. "We're your brothers, the ones who tortured you last month, remember?" Yazoo leans forward a little bit. Cloud thinks back to last month.

At the orphanage, Tifa is getting ready to open the bar. An ill boy is sleeping in a bed with Marlene looking over him. "Don't you ever go away?" Denzel asks. "Nope! I gotta stay here and keep you company. Besides, my dad won't let me come home because he's 'looking for a new energy'" she says in a lying tone. The phone rings about several times before anybody notices. "Fine! I'll get the phone since nobody else will" Tifa walks up the stairs to the room with the phone. "I don't see why Cloud only installed one phone in the intire place. Hello, Strife Delivery Service" Tifa picks up the phone. "Tell your husband we need him to come to Kalm" a voice says on the other line. "Why?" Tifa says like a kid. "Because, it's important" the voice answers. "Are you Ansem? If you are, Sora isn't here right now" she asks. "What the? No, just tell him to get over here!" the voice hangs up. "Yeesh, what a grouch" Tifa dials a number on the phone.

"I spent a day with the little brats, we finished Kingdom Hearts, I won a free wheel of cheese, I delivered two pizzas to a guy name I.C. Weiner and a guy named Semour Hynies" Cloud starts out. A few hours later...Cloud is still going on with his list as Yazoo and Loz sleep on each other. "I sent a letter to Santa Claus saying I want more sodas-" "That's enough!" Yazoo gets up. He wakes up Loz and they both get on their motorcycles. Cloud's phone starts to ring and he answers it of course. "Hello? Yeah this is me. What? Today? Right now? But I don't wanna! Fine oh great master" Cloud puts away his cellphone and drives away. Loz and Yazoo sweatdrop and begin to follow him. "Where are you hiding mother?" Loz drives to the side of Cloud. "Joe mama?" Cloud yells back as he takes out his sword. "You're hiding her, aren't you brother?" Yazoo shoots at Cloud. "Who's ya daddy?" Cloud asks as he turns a corner.

Black creatures start to jumps out of the ground and sing the Barney ending song. "My ears! I think I'm going deaf!" Cloud screams. Cloud swings his sword like crazy and drives to a random way until he accidently cuts off a small piece spike on his hair. "NO! It took me weeks to get it like this!" Cloud falls off his bike and bangs his fists and feet on the ground. "I want my hair gel!" he cries and rolls over again and again. Yazoo and Loz stare at him in disgust and start to turn back. "I didn't even think he could get like that" Loz says to Yazoo. "He's a worse crybaby then you" Yazoo smiles. "I am not a crybaby!" Loz says in a tone that sounds like a little kid about to cry. As Cloud wipes the tears off his face he loks up and sees Kadaj riding away on his bike, and then an explosion. He gets on his bike and pouts the rest of the way to Kalm.


	6. Injuries, Liars, and Messy Churches

Here we are again!

Cloud rode on his bike to the weird looking lodge like house. "Just make me do everything!" he complains as he comes to a stop. He undos the thing that keeps it from falling over (How can that small of a thing hold up that HUGE piece of metal?) and puts his 12 hundred chains on it. "This better be good, there'll be hell to pay if this isn't!" Cloud busts through the door. Reno is right at the door and takes out his shock stick or whatever it is, and clashes it with Cloud's sword. "Engarde!" they both fight like those crazy people who wear those weird masks and fight with those super skinny, but ultra sharp swords. Cloud finally pushes him out the door and off the porch.

He slams the door closed and locks it. "Wilma! Open this door! WILMAAAA!" Reno bangs on the door. "Stupid!" Cloud laughs. Rude walks in from the other room as he puts on his gloves. "Rude, you're so cool!" Reno says from outside. "I know, I know" Rude says like a celebrity as he puts out his hands to the side. The wheelchair dude drives out of the other room way too fast that he busts out the wall and off the porch. "I knew we shouldn't have gotten him that electric wheelchair! He couldn't even drive when he was 16!" Rude complains as he looks out the giant hole. "Shacho!" Reno calls out. "Shacho rhymes with nacho!" Cloud says outta random. Rude sweatdrops and shakes his head in shame. "A little help here!" the wheelchair dude calls up. Rude jumps out the hole for some crazy reason and lands on the dude. "Do I get to keep the house?" Cloud smiles. "No! Dis is my house, yo!" Reno climbs into the hole in the wall. "Thanks for stepping all over my face!" the dude calls out. "That's what I'm here for!" Reno smiles. "Poo on you!" Rude climbs up to the floor, but Reno kicks him out the hole again.

"So, what am I here for?" Cloud asks. "Where's my pizza!" Rude calls out. "Actually, we wanted to ask you for something" the dude calls up. "With pepperoni!" Rude complains. "Like what?" Cloud looks out the hole. "And mushrooms!" Rude keeps going on. "Your protection. Kadaj says he was gonna steal my wheelchair! And I need it to run over people!" the dude tries to get up. "And olives!" Rude climbs up. "You want protection from a delivery boy? What can I do?" Cloud kicks Rude down to the dude. "Use your...uh, um, delivery power!" Reno laughs. "Hey! That's a hard power to keep track of!" Cloud points his sword in his face. "Yeah, right" Reno cracks up on the floor. "Well for that, I'm not going to protect you!" Cloud pouts as he walks out the door, but the porch collapses and he has a huge splinter on his butt. "And chocobo sausages!" Rude continues. "Shut up, Rude!" Reno and the dude yell at the same time.

Tifa busts down the church door and Marlene runs in, while tripping over the broken door. "Cloud actually lives here? What a dump!" Marlene looks around at the pizza boxes, girl magazines, and clothes all over the floor of the church. "It's a good thing he doesn't live with us sometimes" Tifa smiles. "If these flowers were here a few years ago, shouldn't they all be dead with Aeris?" Marlene picks one of flowers. "I don't think these are real" Tifa notices the circle around the flowers. She touches it with her shoe and it bobs down a little. "Oh well" Marlene starts to pick the flowers. Marlene notices a box with a few bandages on it. "Bandages? Cloud's now hot body and has scars on it? He just got rid of all those polygons and now he has scars on himself!" Marlene exclaims. "He could have just told instead of running away. I could have fixed it up and kept all the fangirls away from his hot body" Tifa pouts. Under the bandages, Tifa sees picture of Vincent and another of Zack with hearts around them. "I can see _why_ he ran away" Tifa laughs. "Lets go home" Tifa sighs. "No! I want to see Cloud!" Marlene runs a few feet away from her for no reason. "Fine. What should we do when he gets here?" Tifa asks. "Go home together and play video games!" Marlene cheers. "But before that, we'll lecture him on how to keep this place neat. Plus, I wanna blackmail him with these to make him go home" Tifa picks up the pictures of Zack and Vincent.

"I win!" Kadaj slams Rude and Reno to the ground. "You cheated in the staring contest! I saw!" the dude yells. "I hate that you know" Kadaj walks over to the dude. "It's the truth. What do you want?" the dude turns to him. "I want some answers! Mother wasn't with brother and he kept mocking us!" Kadaj stops in front of him. "He's an idiot, what do you expect?" the dude smiles. "I expected mother was with him, but nooooooo. She wasn't!" Kadaj complains. "The preparations for the party are coming along well" he turns around. "Can I come?" the dude says in a kid voice. "No! You're not allowed you liar!" Kadaj stomps his foot. "What's it for anyways?" the dude asks. "It's for, a reunion" Kadaj turns around. "Will there be cake?" the dude asks in _the_ tone. "Yes, but none for you!" Kadaj laughs. "You're so mean! How're you gonna get people to come anyways?" the dude crosses his arms. "Geostigma" Kadaj says in a serious tone. "You're a poo!" the dude complains. "You would know all about the virus wouldn't you?" Kadaj walks closer to him. "Hang on, I'm not gay!" he puts his hands up in a defense motion.

Kadaj kneels down and slowly looks up at him. -Somewhere else- A person riding a chocobo is laughing like a madman when suddenly, the chocobo explodes. A person is staring at a pole (Doesn't it look like it's about to fall over if you look at it for a while?) when suddenly, it falls on him. Some toast pops out of a toaster and the owner is about to get it when it suddenly bursts into flames and so does the house. -Back at the lodge thing- The dude is staring at Kadaj in horror and confusion. -Where ever Cloud's splintered butt is- "I'll live for you too, I gueeesssss. That's what I've, sorta decided" Cloud starightens Zack's sword. Cloud flashes back to the times he had with Zack. "You wanna be in Soldier? Work hard and eat your veggies!" Zack smiles. "How do you feel? You fell down the stairs and into a ditch and I came to help" Zack looks at Cloud. "Hold still, we just got started and you're not holding still" Zack looks down at Cloud with his...shirt off? "Hey, what're you gonna do when we get to Midgar? Find a hot babe? Eat cheese the rest of your life? Stay and hang with me?" Zack looks down at Cloud as they sit in the truck with the horrible drunk like driver on their way to Midgar. "We're friends, right? Real 'good friends'? Eh, Cloud?" Zack winks at him. "Cloud, run! You'll get eaten by the bunny! And take my last jar of hair gel! Use it for your hair if I don't make it! Someday it'll be as spikey as mine!" Zack runs with Cloud.

Cloud falls to his knees, clutching his arm. He flashes back to Zack and then to Midgar and then to some dude in a dress. "Darn you bunny!" Cloud yells to the ground. -Back at the church- Marlene has made a bouquet of flowers even though the flowers she has picked from the ground, two more have replaced it after she picked them. The other church door busts open and somebody walks in. Marlene is about to rush to the door, but Tifa stops her. Loz walks in and over to them. "Wanna play hopscoth with me?" he puts his hand out. Tifa holds Marlene closer. "Fine, be that way! I don't like you now!" Loz puts his hand to the side and walks closer. "Where's my mommy?" he asks. He covers his nose as he looks down at all the flowers (Flowers will do that to you sometimes if you). "This stinks! It smells like motor oil!" he complains. "Where's my mom?" he asks again. "There's nobody here!" Tifa snaps. "Fine, lets play" he smiles. Tifa nudges Marlene away and she goes and runs behind a fallen pillar (Like that'll protect her!). Tifa puts on her gloves and gets into her fighting position. "This should be fun" Loz prepares to fight.


	7. Missing Kids, Gumballs or Materia?

I can't wait for Halloween!

"Marlene, start the music!" Tifa commands. "Okay" Marlene takes out a boombox outta nowhere and presses a button. The battle music comes on, but in a cooler version. Tifa charges at him and starts to throws punches and slaps at him, but he deflects a few of them. She kicks him and throws punches at him, but he shocks and throws her with the Dual Hound (That weapon is weird). She lands hard, but gets back up. "You're not supposed to hit me! I'm a girl!" she yells. She charges and slides at him, but he jumps and lands behind her. She grabs him and throws him against the wall while jumping on the pillars near the wall. Grabing his collar, she drags him against the floor. He gets back up, only to see Tifa's shoe hit his face as she back flips. They push arms against each other and she jumps on him while grabing his collar, again, but this time she thrusts him to the ground. As she moves away from him, he grabs her ankle and swings her while hitting her head against the chairs and throws her at the wall. She lands perfectly, like Catwoman or something. The flower petals all of a sudden explode. Turns out there was a button on the wall that read 'Self destruct flowers'.

She looks down at him as he looks up at her. She jumps and throws him up in the air. She grabs him and throws him into a row of chairs. She lands and stands up (Jackie Chan: Those better not be my stunts!). "And...cut the music!" she points to Marlene. She pushes the button on boombox and it stops, then explodes into a bunch of Vincent, Cloud, and Sephy plushies, while a bunch of fangirls take some and run off with them. Marlene runs over to her, but stops as the victory music plays. "I thought I said to cut the music" Tifa looks around. It keeps playing until Loz gets up and reaches into his pocket. He takes out his cellphone and opens it, stopping the music. "Where you at?" a voice asks. "The church" he answers. "It's not here" he whines. "I'm not crying!" he stomps his foot. "Yes, I'm taking my medications!" he yells into the phone. "Fine, I'll bring it" he says and then closes his cellphone and puts it back into his pocket. "Nice ringtone" Tifa stares at him. "I know, my brother got it for me. Now lets finish this" Loz turns to them. He throws a chair at her, but she breaks it, while Marlene just crouches down and screams. He dashes at Tifa and shocks her to a pillar, then he shocks her to the ground. She holds her stomach and shuts her eyes. "All of a sudden, I'm kinda hungry" she whimpers. He walks over to her and grabs her as he prepares the Hound.

But, some materia hits him and he turns around to find Marlene with an open box full of materia (So Yuffie didn't steal all the materia in the game!). He smirks and lets go of Tifa as he gets up and walks over to her. "Cloud! Get your butt here now!" she screams. "Run, you fool!" Tifa screams. It flashes to Denzel gasping at a picture of Cloud with only a towel on, washing his hair like a model. "So that's why he stays in the bathroom so long when he's here" Denzel whispers in shock. "Hey, you. Yeah, you. You got Geostigma, too?" a little girl with a moogle doll looks down at him (So that's why there aren't any moogles in FFVII?). "He says he's gonna cure us and take us to Chocobo King" she takes his hand and leads him off the step of the door (So nobody was taking care of the kids while Tifa and Marlene were out?) to a truck where kids are getting on. "Who's the driver?" Denzel thinks to himself as he gets on. Yazoo smirks as he walks to the other side of the truck, but trips. -At the church- Cloud is tripping over the mess. "Maybe I should clean up around here" he thinks as he walks over to the 'flower bed'. He spots Tifa laying on the ground with a box of pockies in her hand. "Tifa!" he runs to her and picks her up in his arms. "Tifa! Did you just eat my last box of pockies!" he exclaims.

"You're late! Now you have to pay me ten bucks" she groans. "Who did this? I'll steal the money from them!" he asks. "Some one I didn't know, like the crazy guy in the Gold Saucer prison who kept following us" she answers weakly (That guy _is_ weird). "Marlene?" she shoots out of his arms, but bumps her head against his and lays back down in his arms. He passes out as well and they both lay together in the flower bed, that was now catching on fire for some weird reason. Cloud wakes up to a nice warm bed and Tifa beside him. He looks out the window to the bright sun trying to kill him with its rays. "My eyes!" he looks away from the window. He covers his eyes and gets up. "You were heavy, yo" Reno says. Cloud turns around alarmed that he was being stalked (Fangirl 1: Did he find us? Fangirl 2: No, they're talking about Reno and Rude). "How long have you been there?" Cloud asks in a suspicous voice. "About, half an hour" Rude checks his watch that he now out of nowhere has one. "You were with some kids right?" he looks up to Cloud. "Yeah" Cloud answers. "It's empty" Reno jumps in. "Yes!" Cloud smiles. "Even your money" Reno hands him his empty wallet. "Those little brats!" he throws it to the ground.

"That okay with you?" Rude asks. "Go out and search for those money stealers!" Cloud points out the door. "You're so annoying, yo" Reno walks out the door. "And quit saying yo so much!" Cloud yells as Rude closes the door. Somewhere else- "So brother was hiding it?" Kadaj looks down at the box of materia and some gumballs. "How do we know which is which?" Loz asks as he holds Marlene against his, uh, hip? "It's easy, the glowing ones are the materia" Kadaj points into the box. "They're all glowing! Maybe they came into contact with the materia for too long" Loz looks inside the box. "We'll have to try and find out which is which by," Kadaj stops and sighs, "Eating each one and seeing which ones are fruity and what ones aren't" Kadaj looks down. "Yummy!" Loz takes a handfull of the glowing orbs and chugs them down. "This is gonna be harder than I thought" Kadaj puts his hand on his forehead. -Back at Midgar- Cloud is staring out at the night filled window. "How long have you been like that?" Tifa gets up. Cloud blinks a little and turns to her. "What were you saying?" he asks. "Nevermind" she says as he takes a seat next to her. "Reno and Rude are out looking for the children" Cloud lays on the bed. "Which means we get some time alone" Tifa looks down at him.

Cloud groans and turns on his side. "I'm going to sleep, wake me up later" he closes his eyes. "Driting drifting" Tifa rolls her eyes. "Drifting, drifting!" she says a little louder. "I'm drifting off to sleepyland" Cloud grins in his sleep. "How long are you gonna drag along like that, yo?" Reno breaks Cloud's sleep. "Excuse you! Tryin to sleep here!" Cloud yells. "You couldn't find them?" Tifa looks over to them. "There was a witness saying they were being taken away, yo" Reno walks over to her. "Good! I don't want the little brats to come back" Cloud closes his eyes again. "Where'd they go anyways?" Cloud asks. "The Forgotten yet very weird looking Capital" Rude answers. Cloud tries to go back to sleep, but he's thrown out the window and onto his bike. "Don't expect me to have them back here alive!" Cloud shakes his fists at the window and he rides off.


	8. Fights, Soda and Meeting an Old Friend

What is that thing in the middle of the lake? Is it a tree or a giant shell?

As Cloud horribly drives to the Forgotten Capital (How can he get there without using a boat? Did he drive on the water or something?), Kadaj and the others are in the middle of the lake with the kids gathered around. "I recieved a special power from Mother!" Kadaj puts his arms up in the air. "A power to fight against this planet and win back my pet bunny that sunk in some sand!" he puts his arms to the side. "Infact all of you have this power. That's right" he points to them. "We're all siblings...chosen siblings. Siblings that were chosen to inherit Mother's cells that were absorbed in the Lifestream" he turns around and puts his arms up in the air. "Ever since he got that new body wash and colonge, he's been doing that alot" Yazoo whispers to Loz as Kadaj turns back around. "But, the planet is trying to interfere" Kadaj looks down at them. "Was that bubble gum stuck to his butt?" one of the kids whispers to another. "Looked like it" one answers.

"It's trying to stunt our growth!" Kadaj looks at the kids who were talking about him. "That's why our bodies hurt and our hearts seem to give up! It's because of that Ansem dude!" he points to all of them. Denzel looks to the side a little bit scared. "I have a cure" Kadaj says gently. "And we'll all go together to Disney World!" he starts to um, catch on fire? "We'll bring our family's power together and get back at the planet!" he says catching on fire even more. "Is he about to explode?" a girl asks. "He could be angry, isn't that how Cloud gets?" a boy answers. Loz and Yazoo start to cook marshmallows on him as he keeps...heating up? (I never really got that part) Kadaj explodes, but turns out that the fire was because he ate some fire materia that he thought was bubblegum. He's still there as the kids watch in confusion, like Confucious? "Follow my lead" he says as if nothing happened. He slowly walks into the water which automatically turns red as he walks in. He stops and takes a handful of water into his hands. "Is that blood?" a kid asks. "It is red like blood" a girl answers as they watch Kadaj drink the liquid.

"Yay! It's strawberry soda!" Kadaj splashes in it. "I thought for sure it was blood" Loz says as he eats a marshmallow. The kids step and start to get handfuls of soda. "Denzel! I bet it's poison!" Marlene yells to him. But, he doesn't listen and starts to drink his handful. "Denzel!" she screams, but in the end all the kids are possesed and are splashing in the strawberry soda. Driving in what looks like a huge circle, Cloud searches for the kids through the forest of glowing trees (Why are they glowing?). As he drives he is dropped into a white world with flowers as far as the eye can see. "So you showed up" Aeris stands back to back to him. "What the heck?" he whispers. "Even though you're falling apart" she gently grabs his arms. "I'm keeping in shape!" he yells. "I'm sure this will be a good thing" she lets go of him. "Hang on woman! I'm married!" he takes a step away from her. "Question! Why exactly did you come here?" she asks. "I wish to be forgiven for not killing you myself" he mumbles. "Yes, I want to be forgiven for that" he looks up.

"By who, wait, what did you say?" she asks. Cloud turns around, but finds he's still driving in the forest. He turns back around at the sound of gunshots and popping sounds. Bullets are flying past his head as well as sucktion cup arrows. Yazoo is shooting at him with his Velvet Nightmare, but since Loz doesn't have a gunblade he's using a suckiton cup gun. "This isn't fair!" he complains. "It was either that or the watergun" Kadaj says. Cloud opens his sword holder and takes out two oversized swords (How can he hold those? Aren't those heavy? And how's he steering?) and heads straight for them. Kadaj takes out his sword and starts to walk towards them as he motions his hand for a 'Come out motion' Out of the bushes, trees, and airplanes the kids jump out and land infront of Cloud's way. "Great! I'll be arrested for child abuse if I hit them!" Cloud thinks. He sees Denzel and Marlene, who's trying to get him to move, in the road. "Killing Marlene is worst than getting arrested! I'll have to deal with Barret!" Cloud tries to stop the bike.

It swirves against the ground as he falls off and the kids move out of the way. The bike swirves over to Kadaj, but he jumps over it as it slides to Loz but he stops it with his foot, which is now sprained. "So he did show up. Welcome to my hideout!" Kadaj looks down at Cloud. "I'm here for the children and for my money!" Cloud looks up at him. "This guy is our brother, because he thinks he's cool. But, you know it's a shame" Kadaj circles Cloud and stops infront of him again. "He's a traitor and a poo poo head!" he points his sword in Cloud's face. "I am not!" Cloud pouts (Santa Claus: You better watch out!). Kadaj is about to chop off his head when Marlene cries out for Cloud. This distracts Kadaj for some reason and Cloud takes the chance to get his sword. He tries to hit Kadaj, but misses horribly as he jumps and lands behind the kids. Cloud jumps after him and swings his sword, but Kadaj deflects it and pushes him a few feet away.

Yazoo starts to shoot at him and Loz runs like the Flash to Cloud. "This is just not my day" Cloud complains. Loz strikes at him, but Cloud deflects it and tries to strike back. As this happens, Loz throws him backwards. Cloud jumps at him, but his thrown behind him. He grabs for his swords and gets back up to meet Yazoo's gunblade hit his sword. Somewhere in the bushes, a man is watching angrily with his camera in hand. Yazoo kicks Cloud in the jaw and comes back to shoot him, but as always, Cloud deflects it. As they fight, Loz punches the Hound into the ground and creates a...ground wave? Yazoo jumps back and shoots at Cloud as this happens, but Cloud charges up his sword and slashes the wave with it. "I'm sooooooo cool!" Cloud smiles. Just in time, Yazoo jumps on the Dual hound and jumps at Cloud and Loz charges and does the same. Loz jumps backward and Yazoo jumps under and takes the suckiton cup gun as he shoots it at Cloud. Cloud, luckily jumps, but unluckily meets Yazoo after Loz threw him up there.

"This is poo!" Cloud thinks. Yazoo shoots the sword out of his hand and into a tree. "I gotta get my sword! That's my favorite one!" Cloud lands on a tree branch and runs for the sword (He should fall off though). He jumps on the sword and looks down to see Loz punch the tree and knock it down. A kid and his ball stand close to the tree and he looks up to see the tree come down and squash him (If you've read Kingdom Fun, you should know who it is). Yazoo, popping out of nowhere, walks across the falling tree and shoots at Cloud. "Don't you ever run out of bullets?" Cloud shields himself with his sword. Loz jumps and breaks the branch and it takes to the air for about, 12 seconds. Cloud stops on a tree and connects the swords together (It reminds me of Rave Master somehow) and looks down at Kadaj who's reading a magazine. He jumps at him and strikes, but he shields himself with the sword.

As Cloud is in the air, Kadaj is about to shove his sword up his "Ass, I was saying. This is not my day!" Cloud jumps to the ground before it could even touch him. Kadaj keeps Cloud in the air until he's about to swing his sword down, but a gunshot stops it. "Hey! Don't scratch the metal!" Kadaj turns around. A red swishy, hahahaha swishy, thing comes down as Cloud hits the ground and his cellphone drops into the water. It swirls around Cloud and shoots at Kadaj, who can barely dodge it. Loz and Yazoo try to help, but they lose him as it jumps away. "No fair! Even I can't do that!" Kadaj complains. A flash can be seen behind Yazoo and they turn to the bushes. "Hah! This is proof that you stole and copied the model of my gunblade!" Leon runs off. -Somewhere else in the forest- "You really can't save anyone, can you? You could've come earlier!" Cloud looks down at his arm. "Vincent, what's up?" Cloud looks over to him. "I come here alot to get away from the paparaziis and fangirls" Vincent throws back his cape and walks over to Cloud. "So, I saw Kadaj and the others ruin my peace time" Vincent grabs Cloud's arm.

"Geositgma is an overloading of the system to remove parasites in the body" Vincent lets go of his arm and stand up. "There's a flow like the Lifestream in the body" he walks over to a tree. "It fights against invasions of harmful substances in the body" he turns around. "But, my digestive system is fine!" Cloud looks up at him. Vincent rolls his eyes. "The Sephiroth element or Jenova cells! Not your food poisoning!" Vincent sighs. "You know alot about it. Have you been reading?" Cloud looks down. "Two people were dragged here at the brink of death by some horrible torture. I was able to save them, but...I'm not sure how well" Vincent leans against the tree. "Torture?" Cloud wonders. "You reap what you sow" Vincent shrugs. "Quit using all those big words!" Cloud yells. "I forgot about your stupidity rate" Vincent sighs. "How come we never...you know, hang out anymore?" Cloud stands up. "Why would I hang out with you?" Vincent looks over to Cloud. "Maybe to...get to know each other better?" Cloud blushes. "Are you trying to ask me out on a date?" Vincent raises an eyebrow.

A rustling in the bushes alarms them as they turn around and prepare to fight. Marlene runs out of the bushes and over to Cloud. "Cloud! Denzel and Tifa!" she panics. "Tifa is okay" Cloud looks down at her. "I wanna talk to Tifa" she tries to calm down. "Oh, so you don't want to talk to me?" Cloud crosses his arms. She looks over to Vincent as she hugs closer to Cloud. "Do you have it?" she asks. He holds open his cape to nothing. "Bummer!" she sighs. "Vincent, can you take Marlene back to the store?" Cloud tries with little effort to try and push Marlene away. "I'm gonna have a little 'talk' to Shinra" Cloud looks over to Vincent. "I can't approve. You're the delivery boy, you deliver anything" Vincent shakes his head. "But" Cloud starts. "I don't care about you anymore, Cloud! Why don't you listen to what we're saying instead of your T.V. and horoscopes!" Marlene breaks out of his small grasp and runs over to Vincent. "Marlene, just wait a little longer and I'll take you to the toy store. You understand, right?" Cloud looks over to her. "I don't understand!" Marlene snaps. "Cloud, is this really about a fight or your stupidity?" Vincent asks. Cloud starts to think.

"Can sin be forgiven or do I have to be tortured with it?" Cloud asks after thinking for like 20 minutes. "I've never tried it" Vincent answers. "Then why were you in that coffin!" Cloud points. Vincent looks to the side for a bit. "Marlene, we're going home" Cloud smiles. She comes from behind Vincent and walks over to him. "I'll try it out" he turns around. "I'll let you know how it turns out, but if it turns out good, you have to give me ten dollars!" Cloud walks away with Marlene.


	9. Broken Glasses and Kung Fu Fighting

Time for more!

As Cloud's cellphone floats down the lake he gets many calls (Shouldn't it short circuit or explode or something?). "It's me Reeve. How's work going? I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Lizard!" "Long time, no see! It's Yuffie! I scored big on the materia I found at a place called Fort Condor! Anyways, all the kids from Wutai have disappeared! All there parents think that I kidnapped them! Help me!" "Can you hear me now? Good!" the phone lands in at the bottom of the lake. "I never thought badly of you. You came here to see me. That's plenty right ther-" "Your phone has too much water in it" a voice cuts Aeris off and it stops glowing.

At Midgar, the kids are standing in a circle around a weird looking statue with Yazoo and Loz next to it. A bunch of adults are complaining as this happens. "That kid just kicked me in the face!" "Gimme back my wallet!" "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" a bunch of people are shouting at them. Yazoo gets annoyed and puts his hand in front of them and the crazy Barney singing monsters jump out and attack. People are trying to get the kids and run away, but they just haven't been to the gym much, now have they? Tifa looks through the crowd, people bumping into her and staring at her chest. She spots Denzel and runs over to him. As she runs over to him, screaming "Denzel!" a man is being chased by a giant apple with a knife. "Denzel" she grabs his shoulders and tries to shake him out of it. He looks up at her and then back down. On the other side of the statue, Loz and Yazoo pull at the chains on it. "What're you doing?" Reno asks. They both turn around to find Rude and Reno behind them along with the Cops theme song playing.

"Mother's in there, right?" Yazoo asks. "Why do you say that? You think we put bodies in there?" Rude asks. "This...what is it? Memorial statue? Shinra's the one who made it" Loz looks up at the hunk of metal. "Wow, you used your head, didn't you?" Reno mocks. "Stop being mean to me!" Loz stomps his foot. "But you're off-base! You gotta have a brain to know where it is!" Rude points. "We don't know either, yo" Reno laughs, but then looks back at Rude angrily. "What's this? You don't have faith in us, huh?" Yazoo steps forward. Reno gets upset and steps forward, but he looks back at Rude, who's straightening his tie nervously and fake coughing. He keeps looking back and forth between them a few times before charging at them with his nightstick. -Where ever Kadaj and the dude are- "And that's how babies are born" the dude finishes. "Wow, I didn't think it was that way" Kadaj looks to the side. "Hey, Kadaj" the dude says. "Tell me one thing" the dude asks. "Just one thing, you'll spoil the ending if you ask more" Kadaj answers. "What flavor is the cake?" the dude asks in the kid voice again. "Vanilla ice cream" Kadaj smiles.

"Will you save me a slice?" the dude asks. "No, and just for that, I'm gonna end this" Kadaj lifts his hands in the air, creating magic with the materia in his arm. He turns around and shoots it into the sky. Clouds start to gather and lighting strikes as Bahamut flies down from the skies (Can't they keep him in one single style?). A guy looks up as the other people are running, even though nothing's chasing them. Bahamut flies down and kicks the guy in the face. Tifa is still trying to shake Denzel out of the trance and is almost killed by a monster, but Bahamut steps on it. "Ewww, I got something stuck on my shoe!" he rubs his foot against a random building. After cleaning most of it off, Bahamut jumps on the statue and takes out a giant shovel and pail. "Hehehehe, this is fun" he laughs as he digs the shovel into the statue and digs the metal out. Reno is still charging at the silver haired two, but stops and swings his nightstick and hits Rude in the face.

"This is..." Reno starts. "It's no use" Rude cuts in, being the rude person he is. Reno runs off, almost leaving Rude behind, but he catches up. Yazoo and Loz laugh at them and chase after them. Besides seeing Reno run like an idiot, he stops and picks up a kid. The kid tries to fight, but Reno gets him away before Loz can punch the Dual Hound into him. Bahamut gets tired a shoveling and he throws the items away. -At a random beach- "I wish we had a shovel and pail to make a giant sandcastle" a little girl helps build her brother's castle. The giant items fall right on them and squashes them. Bahamut's teeth start to glow as it flies to the sky. "That's the power of new Revolving gum! Keeping your mouth and teeth fresh. No matter what!" a blonde woman with a packet of gum holds it up a few feet away from the statue, but she gets eaten by a monster. "Is it coming?" Reno runs with the kid. "I don't want to look!" Rude answers, running up to Reno with two other kids.

Bahamut blasts a blue fireball at the statue as Tifa holds Denzel tighter. As debris flies along with litter and clothes, Rude and Reno are blasted away while Yazoo and Loz are boosted by the explosion. They hit the ground hard before noticing the kids got up and left for an arcade. Yazoo and Loz walk up right behind them. "Isn't this fun?" Yazoo laughs. "Not at all, yo!" Reno shouts as they both get up and kick them. Just because of one little question, they start to fight like ninjas and the song Kung Fu Fighting is playing in the background. Yazoo kicks Reno in the face, but he gets back up and tries to hit him with his nightstick. "You guys are really stubborn, yo!" Reno yells as Yazoo jumps onto a building. "I told you, if you just give Mother back, then we would end this. But, noooooo, you just wanted to fight us!" Yazoo smirks. Reno runs up and climbs the building he's on and tries to hit him again. Rude is pushing hands to hands with Loz. "You guys..." Rude starts. "What're you planning to do with Jenova's head?" Rude asks as Loz pushes him backwards. He comes back up and headbutts Loz in the forehead.

Loz still holds on as Rude arches back. "Flexible" he says. Loz thows him as Reno still kung fu fights with Yazoo. "This Reunion or whatever, are you serious?" Reno asks after missing Yazoo with his nightsitck. "We just want to see Mother" Yazoo dodges his blows and kicks him to a building. Rude is thrown to the ground near the building Reno was thrown at. "She's our mother, but she will decide everything now" Loz walks over to Rude as he stands up. "So where's Mother?" Loz stops a few feet away. Rude is about to attack, but a building window breaks on his head along with Reno falling on top of him and knocking off his glasses. Reno gets up and steps on his glasses, breaking them. He looks down and sees this and looks over to Rude. He gasps, the city gasps, the whole world gasps, as they see what Rude really looks like. Bum Bum Buuuuuuuum! "Those were my favorite and last glasses" Rude picks them up and puts them in his pocket as he stands up.

"You keep calling that hideous thing Mother when it's just Jenova's head" Reno brushes himself off. "Hey!" Loz yells. "Don't call Mother that!" Yazoo snaps. "I can't forgive that!" Loz whines. Reno continues to brush himself off as Rude ties a bandana above his eyes. "Sorry..." he says. "That's right...Wait, why are we apologizing!" Reno turns to Rude. "I'm just trying to be nice" Rude shurgs. "Your name is Rude! You're supposed to rude!" Reno points out. "I have a polite side" Rude looks to the side. "You should say something about that head!" Reno yells. "Um, yo mama so fat, she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out" Rude looks at them. Yazoo gasps and Loz starts to cry. "I've got an idea about this" Reno smirks.


	10. Fights, Gymnastics, and the Dude is

Back to the action!

"Yo mama's so ugly, she looked in one mirror and all the mirrors around the world broke!" Reno laughs. Loz is crying like crazy as Yazoo is trying to hold in his tears. "That's enough -sniff- I'm not gonna let you keep going on like this!" Yazoo yells. "Fine, we'll get back to fightin, yo" Reno shrugs. He charges at them and jumps in the air with Yazoo. Loz is some how distracted by this and gets punched by Rude. Reno kicks Yazoo to ground and has enough time to give Rude a thumbs up. But, as he turns back around, Loz comes back and punches Reno causing him to be thrown into Rude. They get up back to back to face whoever they were fighting with before. "When did calling names lead back to fighting, yo?" Reno asks. Bahamut digs his face into the firey piece of rubble, but comes back up with nothing! "I thought there was a surprise inside!" he pouts. Denzel gets back up and looks down at Tifa. "Tifa!" he shakes her (Not even bothering to find out if she has pulse). "You jerk!" he gets up and runs to Bahamut (What can he do?). As he runs, Tifa gets up looks over to Denzel. Denzel is about to get his head bitten off, but Barret puts his metal arm on his shoulder to stop him, changes it into a lazer gun like thing and starts shooting at Bahamut (Where did he come from?).

"Protect your mom here!" Barret turns to Denzel. "What can I do? I was waiting for somebody to stop me!" Denzel shrugs. "Barret!" Tifa smiles. "Marlene's safe, right? Huh?" he asks. "Um... let's just say she went for a walk?" Tifa shrugs. Barret charges back at Bahamut while RedX carrying Cait charges faster. Red jumps at Bahamut and bites his...face? (Is that even possible? He looks metal). Barret tries to shoot at it again as Bahamut flies off the ground. It flies down at him, but misses. "I can't match this!" Cait yells as Bahamut tries to shake them off (He sounds really wimpy). He flings them off, but Red gets up with Cait landing on his back. "I can see why that moogle left you. You're heavy!" Red complains. "Shup up and fight!" Cait crosses his arms. Red jumps at him, but a green blast makes Bahamut move away. "Okay, who did that?" Bahamut looks around. He sees Barret put his gun behind his back and smile sweetly (Is that even possible for him?). Bahamut flies at him, but a shruiken hits him in the face. Barret looks up to see Yuffie jump out of an airplane. "Now for the parachute!" she pulls the string on her backpack, but nothing happens.

"AHHHHH!" she screams until finally the parachute comes out and lands her safely on the ground next to Tifa. She takes the parachute off her and has another shruiken with her all of a sudden. "Yuffie's grand entrance!" she cheers, but covers her mouth. "Bathroom's that way" Denzel points to a sewer. She runs over there and comes back a few minutes later. "Who's been using my materia?" she turns to Tifa. "The bad guys of course!" Tifa smiles. "Curse them!" she charges at Bahamut. "Who's that?" Denzel looks up at Tifa. A monster is about to strike while several others do the same, but Cid smacks one down and throws the other ones away. "The new version of Sierra!" he points to the sky to something that looks simliar to the Highwind (What happened to the old Highwind. And who's driving that thing?). "I'll let you ride it later!" he goes and fights with the others who're not even putting their backs into it.

"Where's the phone shop? I could use a cellphone" Vincent asks. He walks all cool like over to the fight. "Who's that person? He could be my next role model" Denzel asks. "They're all friends" Tifa answers. Just then, Cloud drives up next to him with a dead person on his wheels. "What's up with the traffic today? My gosh" he takes out a sword.

"Where's Marlene?" Tifa asks. "Oh, yeah. She's at the store" Cloud answers. "Right" Tifa answers. "It feels lighter" Cloud blurts out. "Wha?" Tifa asks in confusion. "Maybe I wore it down by draggin it along so much" he says (He's all talking while Bahamut's destroying everything! And who's watching Marlene?). -At the store- "You wanna play cards with me? C'mon! You're supposed to be watching over me!" Marlene pouts to...a pair of pants. "I'll go back to the store myself!" Denzel smiles. "I'll be waiting with Marlene" he says and turns back around and runs. "Cloud, you'll come back, right?" Denzel stops and turns around. "Yeah, sure, but only if you give me your weeks allowance!" Cloud nods. "Okay!" he turns back around and runs (Even I wouldn't give up allowance for that! Unless it were him and Vincent). Tifa gets on the bike with Cloud and they both ride off towards the crazy dragon. Barret's still trying to shoot at it (Doesn't he know his bullets aren't working!) as it flies in a construction site. It flies at him and fires a blast. He jumps and catches onto a bar. Vincent flies out of the fire (He must've gone to the place where Sephy got his fire proof cape) and shoots at Bahamut with the Cerberus gun (In the new up coming game!).

He lands on a bar and sumersaults and tries to shoot at the dragon again as it flies away from him. Cid runs along a different bar and jumps onto Bahamut, point his spear down. "My butt!" Bahamut flies into a nearby tower, but Red gets Cid off before he crashes into to it. Bahamut grabs onto a building (King Kong: Hey! That's my stunt!) and jumps down. Vincent jumps after him, shooting like crazy and reloads his gun. Yuffie jumps off another bar (Coward!) as Vincent leads it to her. He lands on a bar and goes into slow motion as Bahamut almost hits him with his claw and he jumps off. "Slow motion can take alot out of a person!" Vincent rests on a bar for a while. He gets back up and jumps up Bahamut's arm and shoots at his face. As he jumps and shoots all over him, Yuffie runs up a different bar and and jumps while throwing her shuriken at Bahamut. Vincent jumps somewhere else, and Yuffie lands on a lower bar. Red has bit onto Bahamut's face and Bahamut is about to fire a balst at them to get them off. Cid jumps on him and stabs the spear into the back of his head, making the blast even bigger. "Not helping Cid!" Cait yells. "You're not doing anything either!" Cid yells back.

Bahamut shoots the blast towards the tower where Barret is shooting at one of the one crazy monsters. As the tower comes down, he just stands there and stares (He can run and jump ya know!), but somebody saves his life (Guess who it is?). Cloud throws Barret onto a different bar and lands onto the bar above him. "A little late there!' Barret yells up to him. "Sorry! I was at the ATM and I had to return a late library book!" Cloud says nervously. Tifa jumps onto the same bar Vincent and Cid are and prepares to fight. Cloud jumps at Bahamut and swings his sword. Bahamut blocks it with his teeth and yanks him off. It tries to charge at Cloud, but Cloud keeps hitting it as he is being pushed backwards. Bahamut blocks one of his attacks and causes him to land on a bar (How can they land without falling off?). He puts two of his swords together and hits Bahamut. "That hurt!" Bahamut roars. Cloud keeps going up as Bahamut tries to bite him. He swings his sword down and hits him, causing him to fall to the ground. "Sucka!" Cloud yells as he lands. Bahamut gets ready to make an even more powerful blast. He gets up and takes to the sky.

"Isn't this fun, boss? Who should I call out next?" Kadaj walks away from the dude. He turns around to see the dude getting out of his wheelchair. He takes off the cloak to reveal -a loud airplane flies by- "Why ride in a wheelchair if you don't even need one?" Kadaj points. "I like to ride around in it. Plus, no walking" -a gunshot fires- anwsers. Kadaj looks at the box in his hand. "Mother!" he gasps. "Figure it out, you who lack filial piety" -a car honks its horn- says as he holds the box. He smirks and throws it over the edge. Kadaj looks back and forth at the box and at -a train crashes into the train graveyard- "You meanie!" he blasts at -Some kid's balloon pops. Bahamut flies above the sky. "I think I can jump higher, I think I can" Cloud thinks, but realizes he's not getting any higher. Barret grabs his hand. "Go, Cloud!" he throws him up. He hits Bahamut, but he goes down again. Cid comes to where Cloud his falling and pokes him in the butt with his spear. "There you go!" Cid salutes to him. "Man that hurt!" Cloud puts his hand on his butt. Red jumps onto his back and throws him higher. Yuffie jumps up to him and thrust him higher. Vincent, who's been waiting 10 minutes for him, jumps down from a bar and takes his hand. "Fly!" he throws him above the bars.

As Bahamut's still charging, Tifa jumps up to Cloud and takes his hand. "Not done yet!" she throws him up (How do they land? Do they crash or something?). Cloud is flying faster and higher now with a blue glow around him. "Too hot! Too hot!" he yells, feeling his body catch on fire. Bahamut blasts the blast and backs away a little bit. As Cloud flies towards it, he gets eaten by the blast. "Way too hot!" he yells. As he flies he throguh the ball of fire, he sees Aeris reach down to him. "No! Go away!" he screams, but Zack pushes her out of the way and helps throw him up. He goes through the ball and digs his sword though Bahamut's back as he runs on him. "I give up!" Bahamut comes plummeting down into the construction site. Cloud backflips in the air and lands perfectly. Tifa holds up a 10, Cid holds up a 10, Barret holds up a 10, Red and Cait hold up 10s, Yuffie holds up a 9, and Vincent holds up a 5. "What's up with the 5, Vince!" Cloud complains. "When you're able to jump like me, you'll be able to do more tricks in the air. Yours suck!" Vincent yells down. Cloud begins to pout.


	11. Motorcycle Chase with Fireworks!

Maybe I'll make a bonus chapter...

"Well, I'm not cleaning this mess up!" Cloud smiles to the others. Yuffie throws a rock at him, but misses. "Sucka!" he spits his tongue out. A blue light from behind him catches his eye and maybe brain if he has one. He turns around to the broken building behind him to see Kadaj blasting a blast at -a car explodes- Nearly dodging his blast, -Cloud is saying something about a pretty light- falls off the building the bandage around his eyes coming off (I wonder which would've been better). The blast destroys the bars behind him and begin to explode. Dropping the box as he falls, -some birds are shot down- pulls out a gun and shoots at Kadaj. "Stop it!" he jumps down and goes for the box.

Reno and Rude, who happen to be nearby, look up and see it's raining people. "Shacho!" they say at the same time. -a guy falls off a cliff- shoots at Kadaj, aiming badly until he shoots the box. Green goo is coming out of it and goin almost everywhere! Cloud's driving slower than the speed limit over to the scene and sees the box dropping. "Ewwww, do I really have to get that thing?" he whines. Kadaj finally grabs onto it and backflips down. Tseng and Eleana (I thought Tseng was dead and where was Eleana the whole time?) shoot some weird grabber things that grab onto the bars and release a net that catches -a dynamite explodes- Seeing Kadaj land gracefully, Reno accidentally pushes Rude with his butt and knocks him over. He looks down at the box and then over to where Cloud is driving to. "Somebody stop this crazy thing!" Cloud yells now losing control of his bike. Kadaj and the other two get on their bikes and drive off. Reno and Rude try to climb the building to get the dude, but Rude falls off while climbing a few feet off the ground. "Lose some weight, man!" Reno yells down.

Cloud tries to drive faster after Kadaj, who's now chasing some guy down. "This is for not giving me my juice box!" Kadaj drives faster. "I told you we were sold out!" the guy tries to run faster. Kadaj turns him into roadkill anyways and turns a corner. The others drive over the guy and follow Kadaj onto the highway (In the beginning of the game, they did not show a highway anywhere until the motorcycle chase!). Yazoo shoots at Cloud, but he drives to the side and behind him. Loz comes over and pushes him against the railing, but Cloud opens his sword storage and wacks him to the other side. Yazoo spins around and stops while shooting at Cloud. He deflects it and locks blades with him. "How come you get to do that!" Cloud growls. Cloud spins him back and drives forward. "Then again, I do have most of the cool stunts" Cloud smiles. Kadaj looks back and sees Cloud gaining on him. "I'll take the high road" he drives up to the higher road (duh). Cloud is about to take that road, but Loz gets to the side of him and jumps, pointing his Hound down.

He misses by an inch as Cloud drives onto the low road. Loz gets up and whistles, calling his motorcycle to him. Jumping on, he and Yazoo follow him onto the low road. Kadaj looks to the side of him to see Cloud making stupid faces at him. He spits his tongue out and focuses back onto the road. Cloud and the other two drive into the tunnel (Seem familiar?). Loz drives onto the wall and then to the ceiling above Cloud. "He's gonna squash me!" Cloud screams. "I'm not that heavy!" Loz points the Hound down. He lands on Cloud's bike, pushing the Hound against his sword. He jumps off and onto Yazoo's bike, but he jumps off again to his (Can't he stay in one place without jumping around?). "What is he? A kangaroo?" Cloud rolls his eyes. He drives up to Yazoo as he shoots, trying to deflect his bullets. They lock blades, again and swirve around in the tunnel (How long is that thing?). Loz digs his Hound into the ground and throws it at the others. "WHAT'RE YA, CRAZY!" Cloud yells. Yazoo unlocks his blade with his and smoothly dogdes the bike by slipping under it.

"No fair!" Cloud yells. He jumps and swings his sword as he falls backward. It easily slices the bike in two. "Oh, yeah" Cloud thinks. Because of his stupid distraction, Cloud almost gets shocked by Loz, but luckily jumps on his back and pushes him away. Unfortunately for Loz, he grabs onto his bike at the wrong time. It explodes with a 'pop' sound as Cloud lands back on his bike and Yazoo looks back. Loz, still alive of course, zips over to Cloud's bike. "I got that for my birthday!" he whines and punches Cloud into the air. He starts to jumps around and kick him while still keeping him in the air. "I knew giving him that stupid Klondike bar would get him sugar high" Yazoo mumbles to himself. Yazoo jumps around and shoots at Cloud, but our stupid yet lucky hero, as always deflects it. Loz is about to punch him again, but Cloud stops it while Yazoo comes up behind him (How long can they stay up in the air for?). Loz comes at him as well and he finds himself in a bind. "I'm gonna be squished!" he yells, but quickly thinks and hurts himself doing that to throw a part of his blade up in the air and stop both of them. "I'm squeezed, in the middle" Cloud laughs nervously. "No! We're not gonna start that stupid commercial!" Yazoo snaps.

As they go down. Cloud pushes them apart with the blades. Loz goes flying one way with the Dual Hound sliced. Yazoo goes the other way. "Fire in the hole!" Loz throws the Hound off his arm before it explodes. Yazoo, who happened to have gotten back onto his bike, drives over and stops to catch Loz as Cloud drives by. "See ya, suckas!" Cloud waves to them. Yazoo growls a bit and starts his bike again, throwing his messed up broken gunblade to the side. As Kadaj drives faster than the speed limit on one road, Reno and Rude are on the one next to it. "Hey, pal" Reno looks over to Rude. "Is this thing powerful?" he holds up a box wrapped up in tape and bandaids. "It's a refinement of Shinra technology" Rude answers. "So you made it?" Reno looks back down at it. "With my own art craft set and kitchen ingredients" Rude smiles. "But, I don't know about powerful, it will be pretty flashy" Rude holds up one of his own. "Oh, really?" Reno laughs. "You like that, don't you, pal?" Rude laughs. "Guess there's no overtime today, yo. Which means I can go hot tubbin" Reno looks towards the tunnel.

Cloud drives between while saying supercalifragilisticexpialidoshous (Hope I spelled it right :p). "I think he said something about your mama, yo" Reno laughs. They drop the bombs and run off. Yazoo looks up to see the bombs. Reno smirks, and Cloud keeps driving like crazy. He and Kadaj look back from the different roads to see fireworks go everywhere as Cloud jumps off the now higher road to the lower one. "This effect so matches this stunt!" Cloud smiles, but his hit by a spark in the butt. "I'm gonna have to get surgery soon!" Cloud rubs his butt with one hand and then puts it back ont the wheel. He's about to land on Kadaj, but Kadaj drives a few feet away and takes out his sword. Cloud lands and deflects the blow from him. They swirve off the end of the road (Why haven't they finished that?). Kadaj slides down on the side of his wheels as Cloud slides down on the front and points his sword towards him. Kadaj aims his sword and stabs Cloud's shoulder blade. "Close one" Cloud thinks. They swirve down into the pile of junk to the church. Cloud stops and watches Kadaj get away.

He puts away his sword and looks down at his covered arm. "I'm sorry about this outfit Tifa, but its gotta come off!" Cloud rips the sleeve to reveal not only a red strip wrapped around his arm, but a black area going down his arm. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have done that" Cloud lightly touches his arm. He puts his hand back onto the wheel and rides off to follow Kadaj. He also ran over a bunny.


	12. Plushies and Sword Fighting!

What did Loz do for a Klondike bar? Let's find out...

-A few days before all this happened- Yazoo and Loz are sitting at home. Yazoo is polishing his gunblade and Loz is watching T.V. "Hey, Yazoo" Loz turns to his brother. "Yes, Loz" Yazoo sighs. "My bologna has a first name, it's O-s-c-a-r" Loz smiles. "Enough!" Yazoo throws a shoe at him. "You never laugh anymore" Loz tries not to cry. "Laugh ha ha" Yazoo fake laughs. "You're not even trying!" Loz starts to cry. "I'm still trying to think of ways to torture brother. I have no time for laughing!" Yazoo gets back to polishing his weapon. "I'm back!" Kadaj busts through the front door. Yazoo and Loz get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. "What'd ya get?" Yazoo asks looking at the groceries. "Food of course" Kadaj tosses him a box of pockies. "Hey, Loz" Kadaj smirks. "Yes?" Loz looks through the bags. "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" Kadaj takes one out of the bags. "I dunno" Loz shrugs. "You gotta do something for it" Kadaj sighs. "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" Yazoo asks. "I got one from that guy in the wheelchair. I said I'd steal the wheelchair if he didn't give" Kadaj laughs.

"I'll...kill a kitty?" Loz shrugs. "Lets see it" Yazoo walks out the front door. After tieing up a kitty, Yazoo and Kadaj see if Loz is actually gonna do it. Loz trembles with the knife in his hand, looking down at the poor kitty with sad, teary eyes. "I can't do it!" Loz drops the knife and turns around to cry on Yazoo's shoulder. "Great, he'll kill a person, but he won't kill a cat" Yazoo rolls his eyes. "You gotta admit, it is pretty cute" Kadaj picks it up and unties it. "Fine, you can have the freakin bar" Kadaj tosses it. Loz catches it and runs off saying "Thank you!" "I've got a bad feeling about this" Yazoo looks to Kadaj. "Oh, well. Now we have a playmate for Azura" Kadaj holds the kitty closer to him.

-Back to the real point- Kadaj drives in through the church and stops. "Mother" he looks down at the box. He looks inside the crazy hole made by that speedy ganzallas bullet. He gasps for some reason (I didn't get that part for some reason). "Mother" he says as he's about to cry. "Mother!" he cries, making all these crazy choking crying noises like a little kid who fell off his bike and squished a bug. He holds it to his chest and lets out some type of manly scream or something that echoes through the whole world (Maybe he's an even bigger crybaby than Loz...). "Shut up ya crazy hooligan!" some old lady throws a shoe at him and walks off. Hearing Cloud's motor, he's automatically back to normal and looks to the door. "Seriously, man! I can hear you from the bathroom" Cloud complains. He lifts the front of his motorcycle and drives in. Kadaj blasts a pillar down as Cloud rides in and jumps up on it. Cloud smoothly slides under it and stops. Kadaj blasts another thing from some high place up in the church. Cloud is, of course, blasted off his bike. Kadaj is laughing like a madman as he looks down at Cloud.

"What's so funny?" Cloud gets up and holds his arm. "I just remembered this joke I heard" Kadaj laughs even more. Kadaj is about to fire another, but this icky crazy looking black water comes out of the burnt ground. It creates some type of out of the zoo aquarium around the church as Kadaj is freaking out, trying not to get wet. "I can't afford dry cleaning!" he tries to keep the water off of him. Cloud lets go of his arm and looks around. He looks back down at his arm and sees that that crazy black spot is gone. He looks up with his mouth opened and tastes the rain, but..."It freakin burns!" he shuts his mouth and covers his hands over it. Kadaj gets too wet to handle and drives off, jumping over almost anything like ruins, blocks, trucks, people (Except for this one person he landed on), and giraffes. It stops raining and the last drop falls into the lake of who knows what that stuff is! "Let's go, Cloud" Aeris says. "I'm not listening to you!" Cloud gets on his bike and drives off after Kadaj. He ends up near the Shinra bulding which now says Taco Shack! He takes out a few swords and sticks them in his butt sword holder. He walks a few steps away and sets the alarm on for his bike.

Kadaj is standing a few feet away on another ruin piece. "I was finally able to meet Mother" he calls down. "What's gonna start now? You gonna let me have it?" Cloud asks. "Mother will tell me" Kadaj looks down at the box. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a blue doll and a plushie that looks like him, but even more cute. "Mother will give me a higher allowance" he moves the blue doll up and down in one hand. "And I'll be the happiest and carefree boy in the world" he moves his doll from side to side. "Hey! What about me!" Cloud shouts. Kadaj pulls another plushie out of his pocket that looks like Cloud in a straight jacket. "Mother will send you to rehab" Kadaj laughs. "No fair!" Cloud stomps his foot. Kadaj puts the dolls back in his pockets and fires up an aura on his hand. "Too hot!" he throws it at Cloud. He jumps at Kadaj as he takes out his sword. Cloud pushes him to a small open area. They begin to clash swords and sometimes Kadaj would stop and spin his sword. "I can do that too!" Cloud tries to spin his sword, but nearly breaks his wrist (Why do you think Sora got the keyblade instead of getting that huge thing? The keyblade's lighter and isn't a suicied like weapon). Cloud recovers and swings his sword at him, but Kadaj jumps to an even bigger area.

Cloud follows and lands while ducking Kadaj's sword. He gets back up and tries to chop of his head again, but Kadaj ducks. They clash swords as Kadaj looks up and sees the Sierra nearly crash into them. "Cloud, I brought you some materia!" Yuffie holds a bunch of materia. Everyone in the world gasps, even Kadaj and Cloud (Is she sick or something? Has she gone nuts! Is it the end of the world! This is a new event in world history!). "What?" Yuffie looks around, seeing everybody stare at her. She nearly trips. "Don't shake it!" she looks back at Cid. "Hurry up, Cid and land this thing!" Barret shakes his fist at him. "Get off my ship and jump!" Cid groans. "Let them fight by themselves" Vincent crosses his arms. "Wha?" Yuffie looks back at him. "That guy's the spirit of the best cake maker in the world" Vincent explains. "You could say he's a kind of larva or caterpillar" Vincent ends. "Larva? Bug! He's a bug!" the camera zooms in on Yuffie. "Squish him!" Yuffie shrieks. "Calm down, princess!" Cait throws his fist down on Red. "You're saying he'll turn into Sephiroth one day?" Cid looks over to Vincent. "Hey, do you think Cloud knows that?" Tifa asks. "By his IQ level, probably not" Vincent shrugs.

"Let's leave them alone" Tifa smiles. "I don't get it! Explain!" Yuffie exclaims. "It's man's talk. No girls allowed!" Cid says. "Discrimination! Discriminaaaaaation! Even Tifa's not a man and she understands!" Yuffie pouts. "Calm down, princess!" Cait keeps slamming his fists down on Red's head. "Us men don't understand either" Barret snaps. "Two years ago" Tifa starts. "That strong and stupid feeling he had during that final battle...Somewhere along the way he lost that feeling and got more stupid. I think that brought Cloud's IQ level down" she ends. "Tsh...I'll wait ten minutes" Barret mumbles. "Cloud sure is a pain, just as always huh?" Yuffie smiles. "He may be an idiot, but he's our idiot" Tifa smiles. Cloud grabs his sword out of a wall and sees the Sierra fly away. "Wait! Where are you going? Don't leave me to fight him alone!" Cloud waves his sword at the airship. He pouts some more and goes back to sword fighting with Kadaj. They lock blades and then jump back. Kadaj runs back at him and jumps in front of the sun like a crazy hero person and comes down with his blade. Cloud wacks off the edge of a building. "Homerun! Homerun!" Cloud dances like moron. Kadaj drops, but grabs onto the ledge of a building.

He looks down at his sword, seeing it drop a loooooong ways down. He doesn't hear a clank sound until an hour later. He gulps and looks back up to see Cloud. "How long have you been like that?" Kadaj asks. Cloud just stares at him until he starts blink again. "Sorry, I can sleep with my eyes open sometimes if I stare at something long enough" Cloud smiles. Kadaj is about to hit him with the box, but Cloud wacks it away. Kadaj jumps and catches it. He throws the box at some random dude and holds whatever surprise was inside to his chest. "Now, I'll show you my reunion and how to make a cake" he looks over to Cloud.


	13. Cloud's Teddy Bear and The Final Battle

It's almost the end! This chapter is going to have a sudden twist to it.

Kadaj pushes whatever prize he won into his chest. "Uh oh, he's gonna do a bad thing" Cloud tries to walk away, but trips on his shoe laces. "Aiiieeeeee!" he falls down behind Kadaj. Kadaj lands gently on a ruin and holds up his hand, but seeing Cloud come down like an airplane, he runs off to the side. Cloud crashes into a pile of smoke, but then gets up. "It's been a while, Cloud" Sephiroth's voice says evily. "Who's that? Is that you mommy?" Cloud looks around. "Do I sound like a woman!" Sephiroth shouts. "Is that you grandpa?" Cloud looks around again. The smoke clears to reveal, Sephiroth, wearing...a pink apron over his regular clothes? "You!" Cloud points. "Yes, I'm back from the grave" Sephiroth smirks. "No, you're finally wearing the apron I gave you for your birthday when we were in Soldier" Cloud smiles dreamily. -Back in the day- "Happy birthday dear, Sephy! Happy birthday to you!" a bunch of Shinra employees are singing. Sephiroth is wearing a little party hat that says 'I'm the birthday boy!' "Just give me my presents!" Sephy slams his fists down on the table. "I got this just for you!" Cloud hands him a present wrapped in curtains and tied together with what looks like a belt. He opens it to find a pink apron with a chibi moogle and chocobo on it. "I won't have to get any spills on me when I'm making food with this" Sephy thinks happily. "I hate it!" he lies. Cloud falls down crying and rolling on the floor having one of his famous episodes.

-Back to the real action- "So, why're you wearing that?" Cloud asks. "We're going to see who's the best cake maker in a bake off!" Sephiroth takes out his sword which is now...pink? "Has your sword always been pink?" Cloud asks. "It's not my real sword. This is a pocky sword I made in the Lifestream and all those chefs were so jealous" Sephy smirks. "To the stadium!" Sephy points to the sky. Nothing happens. "Oh, whoops, wrong way" he laughs and points to the Olympus Coliseum. Of course, Sora, Donald, and Goofy are fighting there, but Sephy tells them to leave for a while. "Never get to have any fun" Sora pouts as he walks out. Avalanche takes a seat on one side of the Coliseum and hostages, caught by Sephy, sit on the other. "What's this all about?" Cid leans over to Tifa. "It says they're having a bake off. A WHAT!" she screams. "Go team!" Cid stands up and holds up a picture of Cloud. "I have fans!" Cloud sighs dreamily. "Cheer for me!" Sephy yells at his hostages. "Um, Sephy, Sephy, he's our man. If he can't do it, GREAT!" one of them fake cheers. "I'll kill you later!" Sephy points. "He we are at the all famous Steel Baker competetion. I'm Tseng with my partner Elena to witness this great event" Tseng says from a booth in the seats. "That's right Tseng. We have destructive cake baker Sephiroth facing off against idiotic hero, Cloud Strife" Elena says. "Hey, I'm no idiot!" Cloud shake his fist at the booth.

"What will our grand ingredient be today? Lets find out" Elena says as the camera shifts to Yuffie with a huge box in front of her. She takes a bell pepper out of her pocket and takes a bite out of it. "HOOOOOTTTT!" she screams. -A few burning seconds later- Yuffie opens the box and reveals the ingredient. "Who woke me up now?" Vincent sits up. "The grand ingredient is, Vincent Valentine!" Tseng cheers. "I'm a what?" Vincent asks. "You're the grand ingredient" Yuffie smiles down at him. He raises an eyebrow before noticing he's gonna be cooked. "Never!" he tries to leave, but Sephy and Cloud pull him back. "He's mine!" Cloud yells. "No, he's mine!" Sephy pulls on Vinnie's arm as they play tug a war. "Somebody help me!" Vinnie cries. Cloud gets him and starts to mix the ingredients as fast as he can and Sephy does the same. "I'll kill Yuffie for dragging my coffin all the way here!" Vincent mumbles. And then, it was time to put the final ingredient in. "Give 'em a punch Vince!" Barret yells, but Vinnie's fate is already sealed. After a few more minutes, the cakes are baked and Vinnie is nowhere to be found.

"Lets see here. Cloud's cake seems a little medium sized, but still good looking with that nice even strawberry coating. "My mom taught me how to cook!" Cloud cheers. "I'm sure she did. Now lets look over to Sephy's" the camera shifts over to Sephy's humongous cake. "I'm the baking king!" he smiles. "Now that's a new world record huh, Chuck?" Elena asks. "My name is Tseng and yes it is" Tseng grumbles. A few inches away from Sephy you can see Vinnie's clothes laying on the ground. Suddenly, Sephy's cake starts to move and Vinnie's head pops out the top. "Finally out of that!" Vinnie gasps for air. "Where are my clothes?" Vincent frees his one in a half arms. He looks down to see his clothes are right beside the cake. "I had to take off the clothes so they wouldn't dirty the cake" Sephy shrugs. Vinnie blushes like crazy and goes back in the cake. "I only got his arm" Cloud sighs. The camera zooms in on his cake to see a claw sticking out. "Well, we know who the winner is now. The still champion Steel Baker is, Sephiroth!" Elena cheers. "Boo!" the hostages boo. "Don't make me come over there!" Sephy points. "No, fair! You stole all the bishieness!" Cloud takes out his sword. "Uh oh, this is gonna get messy" Cid calls over the Sierra. Tifa and the others push the cake on board and take off.

Sephy and Cloud run all the way back to the ruins and prepare for battle. "Cloud, I am your father" Sephy smiles. "No!" Cloud falls to his knees. "Just kidding!" Sephy laughs. After throwing him off guard, Sephy flings him away with his sword. Cloud lands onto of a building and Sephy lands right behind him. "You lost your Geostigma?" Sephy asks. "Oh, yeah!" Cloud smiles. "How unfortunate. It's all the rage in the kids, you old man" Sephy smirks. "Old! You're the one with the gray hair!" Cloud points. "It's all natural silver" Sephy combs his hair with his hands. "So is mine!" Cloud tries to comb his hair with his hand, but ends up getting cuts all over his hand. "Anyways, just what are you hoping for?" Cloud asks. "The spirits of the deceased who carried Geostigma" Sephy begins. "That, with the flow of the Lifestream, that guides the flow of all worlds, eventually infringes on the planet" he says. "What I hope for, Cloud...is to use this planet as a ship to sail the darkness of space and cheese" he answers. "Just as Mother did before you see" he lifts his hands and these crazy dark clouds form and swirl around the whole place. "I'm afraid of the dark!" Cloud screams. "Here's a teddy bear" Sephy throws one at him. "I'll call you Zack in memory of my very special friend" Cloud puts a little mini buster sword on the bear's back and gives it a Soldier costume.

"As I was saying! One day we will discover a new world. We will create our shining future on that ground" Sephy continues. "What will happen to this planet and my teddy bear?" Cloud asks. "Who knows...that depends on you, I guess" Sephy answers cooly. Cloud puts the bear in his butt sword holder and jumps at Sephy as he jumps at him. The darkness starts to flow through Midgar (And not just because of that Ansem dude). Denzel is clutching his head from the all powerful migrane and Marlene is just watching when she suddenly hears something. "Oh, no! She's back!" she cries. Sephy and Cloud are fighting on these sloping buildings (Why aren't they falling off?), trying to keep each others swords at bay. They jump, but Sephy jumps higher and flies down to Cloud as he's just watching like the idiot he is. He's wacked into the ruined Shinra building. Cloud gets back up too see Sephy charging at him like a football player. Cloud swings his sword and clashes it with Sephy's, creating these crazy yet deadly flying sparks. They start jumping around and rolling in the room, clashing swords whenever they get the chance or whenever their magnetic shoes let go of the walls. Sephy goes into a different room leaving Cloud jumping cluelessly, until Sephy jumps in his way, holding up a pedestrian sign.

Sephy chooses the time to throw a support stand at him. "Hey!" Cloud dodges it. They clash swords again and they try to do it harder a second time. "Oho...What made you stronger?" Sephy pushes harder against Cloud's sword. "My hair gel, but I won't tell you the rest" Cloud tries to equal his push. Cloud wacks him to the ceiling and jumps after him to the outside. He looks up to see a huge chunk of the Shinra building coming down at him. "It's raining ruins!" Cloud jumps and flies over to another building. He looks back to find Sephy in front of him like a crazy stalker guy. They clash again before Cloud jumps up and swings his sword down only to find Sephy not there. "He's not playing fair! He's got all the powers and what do I have? An appointment for butt surgery!" Cloud pouts. He looks over to see Sephy land on a building top and slice it. He jumps away, having Sephy following him clash blades again on another building top. Sephy jumps up the Shinra building and looks down at Cloud. "I thought of what to give to you as a gift" Sephy smiles. "A new jug of hair gel?" Cloud asks. "Wrong!" Sephy goes up even higher and slices down a piece of the building. Cloud dodges it and goes up to him to clash blades again.

"Tell me what you got me for Christmas!" Cloud growls. "I'll decide that!" Sephy smirks. "Shall I give you despair?" he asks, throwing Cloud away from him. Cloud sticks his sword into the building and gets on. "Man, I hate high heights" he looks down at all the burning ruins Sephy threw at him. He looks back up at him. "Kneel, and show me your figure, begging for forgiveness" Sephy looks down at him. Then this gigantic piece of the Shinra building falls off. Sephy turns around and slices them all into two. "You gotta be kidding me!" Cloud shrieks. He steps back onto the handle of his sword and takes out another blade. He sticks it right next to him and puts his other foot on it. "Ready Zack?" Cloud asks. The bear says nothing. He jumps in the middle of the both of them and grabs hold of their handles, smoothly backflipping. He slices the ruins falling onto him with both blades. One ruin he slices has a surprise Sephy inside. He clashes his sword with Sephy's and fall onto another falling ruin. They jump off and land on separate ruins falling with each other. "I'm outta here!" Cloud jumps up to the ruin above Sephy and cuts his way out.

He lands on another building and falls to his knees. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that Halloween candy without checking it" Cloud holds his stomach. He gets back up to, just in time, dodge Sephy's sword. He dodges his swings, but gets punched in the face and goes down for a bit (Sephy's never used his fists before!). Cloud gets back up to dodge Sephy's blade, but not his punch or his kick. He's up against the wall when Sephy's sword stabs right into his shoulder. "Hey! I just got a shot there! And who said you could use your fists? It's in your contract that you can only use your sword!" Cloud looks up at him. "I ripped up that thing" Sephy smiles. "What is most important to you?" Sephy asks. "My hair!" Cloud gives him a thumbs up. Cloud tries to take the blade out of his bleeding shoulder. "Would you give me the happiness of stealing it from you?" Sephy asks. "Not my hair!" Cloud thinks. Then Cloud remembers Zack, Tifa, Denzel and all his friends especially his teddy bear. "I guess they're important too" Cloud shrugs a little. He thrusts the sword out. He sticks it into the wall and gets back up with his sword. Sephy easily takes the sword out and jumps back. "I pity you who understand nothing" Cloud stares him down. "Hey! I'm the only one who can pity the foo! Let me go down there and pity dat foo!" Barret yells as Cid and Yuffie hold him back.

Sephy charges at him, but Cloud throws him up to a pole. Sephy jumps off and meets in the air with Cloud. "There is nothing that isn't important, except chores. Those bug me" Cloud says. Cloud swings his sword like crazy and releases several swords out of it. Sephy is surronded by the circling swords (The move looked like something from the Matrix). "I bet this is gonna hurt" he pulls out a small umbrella. Cloud glows all yellow and slashes Sephy. He goes to another sword and hits him with that and it keeps going on and on until he's done it with all swords. He lands and catches his regular sword with his other ones in a circle around him. "Stay there for me, trapped in my memories. That way you can teach me how to make a cake like you can!" Cloud looks up at Sephy. The sky clears and Sephy's black wings happens to pop out. "I, I won't become a memory. And take this" Sephy throws a pink book down at Cloud. Cloud picks it up and reads it. "Sephy's Cooking Book. Make your own special bakes with the book of the almighty cooking god. Thanks Sephy!" Cloud waves up to him. "Anytime dude!" Sephy waves and wraps his wing around him as he disappears. "He may have all the powers, but I still got the stunts" Cloud smiles.


	14. All in a Day's Work

Well, here's the twisted ending! First few sentences are dramatic, but it gets funnier.

Sephy disappears into black feathers as Kadaj comes down. He lands onto his side and tries to get back up. Cloud puts his sword up. Kadaj gets up with his sword ready and charges, but falls into Cloud's arm. Kadaj drops his sword and looks up at Cloud. "Brother" he lays against his chest. "Hang in there" Cloud looks down at him. "Kadaj" Aeris's evil voice chimes in. "Oh, no!" Cloud gasps. "Huh?" Kadaj looks up. A raindrop falls onto his face and it automatically starts to rain, even thoguh the sun is still out (That's weird). "Let's stop working so hard" she says in her icky sweet voice. "Is that you...Mother?" Kadaj asks. "No! That's not your mother! It's the spirit of the underworld!" Cloud shakes him. "She's the what?" Kadaj sits up. "She's pure evil!" Cloud shakes his head. "Lets go back with everyone, shall we?" Aeris asks. "Don't go with her! She'll steal your soul!" Cloud tries to convince Kadaj. "I don't wanna go then" Kadaj shakes his head. "Good choice!" Cloud gives him a thumbs up.

"But he has to come!" Aeris beams down some sort of light. "Never! You won't take another soul with you!" Cloud picks Kadaj up and runs away from the light. "This isn't how it's supposed to end!" Aeris's beam gets closer. "I don't care! This guy's a little soul fighter! You can't take him away!" Cloud runs even faster. "Is this supposed to happen?" Yuffie asks the others. "No, but it is sweet" Tifa smiles. -Else where- Some kids who're playing hopscotch get healed by the evil rain. Even in this tight corner place, the Turks are seeing -a ruin falls on some random dude- is being healed by it. "So, now what do we do?" Reno asks. "Lets go out for some nachos" Rude answers (I wasn't comepletely sure if -a guy jumps out of an airplane- was still alive. I mean, he was still in the wheelchair, but he wasn't moving or anything) "Yeah!" they all cheer and Tseng rolls the dude with them. Cloud jumps on the ruined buildings until he's right back where he started. He stops and Kadaj is suddenly dissolving into little flying sparks. "Brother" he calls down to Cloud. "Noooooo!" Cloud falls to his knees. "I just couldn't save this one!" he sobs. The Sierra flies over. "He did it! That's how it goes!" Yuffie jumps up and down. "See just as I told you!" Barret smiles. "A man! Cloud-san's a man!" Cait cheers. "Cloud can do anything if he puts his mind to it!" Tifa cheers.

"Hold on tight, you guys!" Cid says. "Where are my clothes?" Vincent is walking around with his cape wrapped around him. Tifa notices a drop of rain fall to the floor. She looks up and sees a drop on the support thingies. "You were always with us, weren't you?" Tifa asks. "Well, Cloud's mine! You hear me you witch? He's MINE!" she yells while everybody is staring at her like she's crazy. Cloud gets up and wipes the tears off his face as he looks up at the Sierra. "WHY!" he cries out. After a few seconds of that, he's shot. He looks back to see Yazoo and Loz with their guns ready (And you all thought they were dead, didn't you?). "Let's all go home together" Yazoo drops his gun. "We can all have fun" Loz says weakly. Cloud turns around angrily and charges at them. "Quit shooting me in the butt!" he swings his sword, but both of Yazoo's and Loz's materia high things in their arms, causes the roof of the building to explode. Tifa and the others gasp in surprise. "Cloud!" Tifa gasps. Marlene and Denzel are holdiong hands (Are they more than friends...?) as they watch the rain fall. "Cloud's going to come back too, right?" Denzel asks.

Cloud is falling down in this mega white area until he stops and somebody puts a hand on his forehead. "Mother?" he asks. "Again! How many times is it that you called me Mother now?" Aeris asks. "Don't complain. I made mistake okay?" Cloud mumbles. "Isn't it nice to be yearned for?" Zack asks. "Zack? You died?" Cloud asks. "Some guy hit me with his truck, what do you expect?" Zack answers. "But, I don't need a kid as big as this one" Aeris laughs. "I'm not a kid! I'm full grown man!" Cloud growls. "Too bad your place isn't here, I'm telling you" Zack laughs. "Zacky!" Cloud jumps up with his eyes still closed and grabs onto Zack. "I won't leave you with this witch!" Cloud nuzzles against his chest. "It's about time somebody saved me!" Zack sighs in relief. Cloud begins to fall again, but Zack accidentally slips out of his arms. He lands again and suddenly has some hands on his chest, even below the belt. "Hey! I don't need anybody touching me there!" he shoots up. He wakes up in the church with a few kids circling him. A lot of other people are there (How'd they get there so fast?). "The spirit of the underworld told us" a girl looks up at him.

"Cloud will come here, she said" she smiles. "Welcome home" Marlene's voice says. He turns to the right to see all his friends standing there, with Marlene holding Cait (Since Red got a restraining order for him). "I'm back" Cloud nods. "There are still kids who have Geostigma" Red sighs. "Yeah, so? I mean, yeah" Cloud laughs nervously. Cloud walks forward in the water (Isn't that hard if it's deep) as Tifa kneels down to Denzel. "Alright, now we're getting you cured" Tifa smiles. "But, I don't know how to swim" Denzel gulps. "It's alright now" Cloud puts his hand out. "Try your best" Tifa gives him a little confidence. Denzel nods. He slowly walks in and is picked up by Cloud and set in the deeper depths. Cloud gets a handful of water and dumps it on his head. "Not the hair!" Denzel groans. "That's my boy" Cloud smiles. Denzel looks into the water and sees that the spot on his head is gone. He turns back to the others and laughs for no reason (I guess all that Geostigma drew out all of his craziness). Everyone cheers. "Now, everyone jump in!" Cid yells. "It's cured, it's cured!" Yuffie jumps up and down. Kids and adults get pushed in and start jumping around like they just won a million dollars. "Remember, if the water turns yellow, you might want to get out" Yuffie smiles.

Cloud looks around at everybody, until he reaches his friends again, but something catches his eyes. He looks back towards the church entrance to see, Aeris talking to some kids and Zack is leaning against the doorway. She gets up and walks slowly back to the entrance. "You're alright now, aren't you?" she stops and turns around. "Pink devil!" Cloud points. She turns back around and walks out the door, with...a leash in her hands. "Help me!" Zack puts his hands out to him as she drags him away. "Somebody get me a phoenix down!" Cloud yells. Cid throws him one and he revives Zack (Why didn't they use a phoenix down to revive everybody else who died?) "Zacky!" Cloud yells as Zack floats to the surface. "Cloudy!" Zack smiles. They both start to hug each other like crazy. "One more!" Cloud puts his hand out to Cid. Cid tosses him another. Cloud revives Kadaj. "Brother!" Kadaj hugs him and Zack. "Yeah" Cloud whispers. "I'm not alone" he smiles.

And so the awesome credits go onto the screen while Cloud is driving on his motorcycle going nowhere in particular on a weird path. Apparently, he's chasing some dude with his Zack teddy bear. "Give it back!" Cloud yells. Also, he's being chased by the police. "You're going over the speed limit! Please, pull over!" one of the cops yells. As he drives, he sees the Sierra flying overhead, with all of his friends on board. He waves to them and gets back to chasing the guy. "Finders keepers!" the guy yells. As he drives, he even sees Aeris in a...cop uniform? "He's on highway-" Aeris is cut of when she is struck by lightning. "Don't even think about coming back to life!" Cloud yells. After a while of that, he turns the guy into roadkill and gets the bear. The cop cars all trip over the body and are turned upside down. "Nobody can catch the lightning Cloud!" Cloud laughs. After the credits end, it goes back to the orphanage. Near the phone is the picture of Cloud, Tifa, Marlene, and Denzel, but the one right next to it is different. It shows Cloud and all his friends and partly Vincent, cause he's a vampire, but he's still in there. How cute! The End.

Author's note: I didn't want it to end! The ending was totally different from this one. I hate that Kadaj just died or something. I liked how they did the credits, first they're not showing anything in the background, but in the second half of the credits they show Cloud riding on his motorcycle with the scenes looking realistic. It was sooooo cool! I revived Zack to add some more feeling to it, but not that much. I thought that ending photo of all of them was so cute. I got a strange fuzzy feeling inside (Kinda like when I saw the cover of that Winnie the Pooh book with Sora holding hands with Pooh. I usually never get that feeling anymore). I might add some bonus chapters or something so review and tell me if I should. Thankies for reading and good night!


End file.
